Top Ten Ways the Olympic Ceremony Would've Been Different If It Had Been Organised by Aidan Burley

29 Jul 2012 at 18:36

10. Alf Garnett and Vera Lynn dance the Charleston, while the crowd is showered with food stamps and Bird’s custard.

9. Twenty minutes of BUPA nurses jumping up and down on beds

8. Czech athletes ordered to remove blue wellies and replace them with shiny jackboots

7. Kenneth Branagh begins the ceremony – dressed as Enoch Powell

6. The Chimneys can stay, as long as children are sent up them

5. The return of the Black & White Minstrel show

4. Suffragettes made to clean up the stadium afterwards

3. Marchers have to comply with a rule that required straight leg lift above the horizontal.

2. Muhammed Ali replaced by Melanie Phillips

1. Jim Davidson to light the Olympic flame