Humour/Satire

Valentine's Special: The Talk Radio Top Totty List 2013

13 Feb 2013 at 18:35

Every Valentine’s Day, Adam Boulton and his Sky News colleagues reveal their Top 20 Most Fanciable MPs. Some years ago I caused a bit of a stir by turning the tables and compiling the Top 20 Most Fanciable Political Journalists. To be honest it was a struggle to get to 20. So, this year, I thought I would do something different and take a look at my new profession, talk radio. There are some fine figures in the talk radio field. Indeed, some of the figures are so fine, they are magnificent. Clearly ALL my colleagues at LBC deserve to be in this list, but we have decided only to include a representative sample, so as to be fair to all our competitors. Obviously I take full responsibility for any offence caused, but the ranking has been decided by a secret committee of LBC producers whose identity must, for security reasons, remain confidential. Anyway, here we go. Get ready to feast your eyes, control your moistness and above all, keep your hands where we can see them.

1. Anita Anand
BBC Radios 4 & Five Live

There’s a saying that certain presenters have an ideal face for radio. The inventor of that phrase never met Anita Anand, who possesses quite possibly the most beautiful visage ever to sit in front of a six inch black tube with some wire on the end.


2. Nick Conrad
BBC Radio Norfolk

Known as the ‘gayest’ straight man in radio, he has everyone swooning. Whether he’s being naughty in Norfolk, feisty on 5 Live or whacky on BBC WM, he knows just how to touch a listener’s G spot. Ahaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!


3. Nikki Bedi
BBC Radio London

A lovely voice to go to bed to, need we say more? But we don’t want to go to sleep because that would mean we would stop imagining the face behind the voice.


4. Ian Collins
LBC 97.3

The man with the sleekest haircut in radio. Ladies, imagine running your sticky fingers through those auburn locks. This jock is hot to shock.


5. Emma Barnett
LBC 97.3

The ultimate ‘not just a pretty face’ Emma is a woman of many talents, not least administering the brightest pink lipstick in Christendom and telling us about ‘Wimmins’ things in the Telegraph. Probably best she’s never given an overnight slot on the radio, though. Think of the consequences.


6. Richard Bacon
BBC 5 Live

RIchard’s catchphrase is ‘Help’! Woman of Britain, sorry, but he would spurn your offers of help. This radio hunk’s wild child days are over, we tell you. Over! Down girls!


7. Petrie Hosken
LBC 97.3

Petrie is a real dish, and she’d like nothing more than to experiment on you. Bring your injection equipment.


8. Ian Payne
LBC 97.3 & BBC 5 Live

Ladies, Ian Payne will happily deliver you the news or show you some sport. But he’s a bit busy at weekends, so if you could clear your weekday diaries, please, he’d appreciate it. And he knows how to show his appreciation. And he even likes labradors.


9. Joanne Good
BBC Radio London

Boy is she good. Good by name, good by nature. Some of us remember her as a will o’ the wisp actress in Crossroads, But in radio she has found her real metier. The way she handles a microphone has to be seen to be believed. Swoon.


10. James O’Brien
LBC 97.3

The hostest with the mostest, whatever James may lack in the six pack department he makes up for with his massive brain. If you want to spend an hour of mystery with a top jock, James is undoubtedly your man. Especially on Thursdays. At 12.


11. Julia Hartley-Brewer
LBC 97.3

Be still our beating hearts. Julia H-B is such a fine figure of a woman, it’s difficult to know where to start without dribbling over her voluptuousness. And many have. We don’t know why it is, but her very name conjours up an image of her with a whip. [better stop there – ed].


12. Jeremy Vine
BBC Radio 2

He’s got the biggest one in talk radio, and he’s proud of it. His audience that is. He’ll even wear a cowboy hat if you ask nicely


13. Anne Diamond
BBC Radio Berkshire

Some women get better looking as they get older, and we think Anne’s a perfect example. The original face of Breakfast telly, she has that go to bed voice on the radio that instantly keeps you awake. Yes, we know she’s on in the mornings… She really is the original morning glory.


14. Graham Torrington
BBC Local Radio

Mr Smoothychops himself has all you ladies cooing with delight as he tells his late night love stories. The silver fox may appear to be snogging the microphone, but really, ladies, his lip are puckering for you, and you alone.


15. Shelagh Fogarty
BBC Radio 5 Live

The only radio presenter, so far as we know, to dive head first into the Serpentine wearing very little to cover her blushes. She does an excellent line in talking ‘dirty scouse’, a talent which she has sadly not felt able to bring to the airwaves. You can take the girl out of Liverpool…


16. Tony Horne
Wire, Wish & Tower FM

His twitter handle, @horneymedia, doesn’t lie. His smouldering looks have had an effect on the ladies across the north of England. He’s recently broken out of his Newcastle habitat and he’s laying waste to the whole of the north you lucky ladies.


17. Victoria Derbyshire
BBC Radio 5 Live

Vicky D gets better looking as she gets older. The cheeky little minx enjoys flirting with politicians of all colours and clearly has a thing for Ed Balls. Well, who hasn’t?


18. Julia George
BBC Radio Kent

Definitely the thinking man’s crumpet, Julia George entertains Kent each morning. She soothes, she coos, she ought to be the voiceover artist for the Flake adverts. I think we can all agree on that…


19. James Whale
LBC 97.3

His fan club doesn’t just consist of women of a certain age or the clinically unsighted. His velvet voice has women across London swooning as they drive home to the clutches of their rampant rabbits. Allegedly.


20. Rachel Burden
BBC Radio 5 Live

The thinking woman’s Rod Stewart, Rachel’s mellifluous tones wakes us up each morning, as she attempts to put Nicky Campbell (Oh no, Nicky, you’re not on the list. Maybe next year!) in his place. One almost imagines her as a school teacher. When we say ‘almost’….


Now, remember, this is all a bit of fun. Not to be taken seriously Not to have a sense of humour failure over. Especially if you are not on the list. Ok?!

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