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Alf Garnett and Vera Lynn dance the Charleston, while the crowd is showered with food stamps and Bird’s custard.
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Twenty minutes of BUPA nurses jumping up and down on beds
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Czech athletes ordered to remove blue wellies and replace them with shiny jackboots
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Kenneth Branagh begins the ceremony – dressed as Enoch Powell
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The Chimneys can stay, as long as children are sent up them
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The return of the Black & White Minstrel show
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Suffragettes made to clean up the stadium afterwards
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Marchers have to comply with a rule that required straight leg lift above the horizontal.
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Muhammed Ali replaced by Melanie Phillips
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Jim Davidson to light the Olympic flame
