OK, I admit it. I am as vain as the next man. And let’s face it, nowadays men are probably just as vain as women, and in many cases even more so. Whether it’s about our hair, skin, beard trim, or the way our pubes look, we care. Not just care, but care obsessively in many cases. And if the gay stereotype means anything, gay men care just that little bit more than their straight friends. We like to look our best. It’s not about looking good to pick up our next shag, we just like to be admired. Having said that, at the age of 52, it becomes slightly more difficult, unless one is trying to attract the type of man who likes to whisper ‘Daddy’ into your ear.
Trouble is, I can’t actually remember the last time I had a ‘good hair’ day, largely because I haven’t really got enough of it any longer to notice. It’s either fallen out, been shaved down to a number two (that’s a clipper number before your mind goes down a more scatological route), and what has left has gone a rather bracing shade of silver. Believe it or not, I used to have a very full head of brown, slightly curly locks. If I could change one part of the ageing process, it would be to have a glorious head of hair again. When it started going grey in my late thirties I experimented with dying it, but frankly it looked ridiculous so I let nature take its course. But an email I received recently gave me a slight pause for thought.
It came from a leading hair transplant clinic and believe it or not they were offering me a free hair transplant (worth up to £25k, no less) if I would agree to endorse their services in adverts and in columns like this. I did go so far as to check out this wasn’t the equivalent of a Nigerian “You’ve been left £5 million in a will” scam, but they were very reputable and some quite well known people had indeed been treated by them. But my reply was fairly swift and to the point: “Thanks, but not for me.” Perhaps I am not quite as vain as I (or you) thought, after all. The trouble is, I know my own reaction when I see people who try desperately to cover up their hair loss or have transplants. Some are more successful than others but the ones who aren’t successful look frankly ridiculous. I’m not going to name names, but we all know who we’re talking about. In essence, I’d rather be ridiculed for a natural baldy look, than a hair transplant which didn’t go quite to plan.
Vanity, vanity, all is vanity. Which is why many men over the age of thirty have invested in a nose and ear hair clipper. Yuk, I can hear the twinks among you saying. Well, don’t worry mates, it’ll come to you all soon enough too. Get to the age of 30, or 40 if you’re lucky, and random hairs start springing out all over the place. Then they multiply. All over the place. This is massively unfair. After all, women have to wait until the menopause to experience anything similar.
Personal grooming for men is now big business in the UK. Whether it’s skin cream, moisturising lotions or grooming kits, more and more of us view these things as part of our daily ablutions. And whether we’re gay or straight we’re not afraid to tell other people about our grooming habits. Even 20 years ago, if a man admitted to using moisturiser everyone would automatically think it was an incredibly camp thing to do. No longer. But we still haven’t reached a time when men wearing even light make-up is considered socially acceptable. Whenever I go on TV, they cake it on. Sky News even have a blow torch instrument which I gather is nicknamed the ‘blow job’. I know I look far better when I am ‘powdered up’ and frankly I’d keep it on all day if it were up to me. But in 2014, that’s still one step too far!
This article first appeared in the August issue of Attitude Magazine
